Tuesday, August 18, 2015

My life in boxes

by Franzi Priemer, September 2015 200 hour Bali Yoga Teacher Training student


My adventure starts in two weeks! I am leaving my country for an extended journey and I don't know when I'm coming back. I already quit my job and booked my 200 hour yoga teacher training as the first step of many new experiences. 

As I started to pack up the flat that has been my home for the last four years, the space became more and more chaotic everyday. I always had the intention to stay calm and positive. Breathing in and out, I filled the boxes with stuff from my life. Boxes with many folders, books and other school things - my "job boxes." "Fashion boxes", with all my clothes. There are 'kitchen boxes', 'decoration boxes', 'tool boxes',  boxes with magazines, movies, games, postcards. I was standing in the middle and it felt like trying to put my whole past life into boxes, without knowing what I would be facing next. 

It felt overwhelming. I felt the pressure of time, work, duties and own expectations. I have to leave in two weeks, I have to hurry up! Moving, not thinking; running - instead of standing paralyzed without any idea where to start. Every time I held something in my hands, I struggled to make decisions: Do I throw it away or do I put it into one of these boxes? Keep it or leave it? Should I store it in case I need it one day? Do I really need it at all? Many times I enjoyed a guilty pleasure of adding more stuff to the boxes named "cute things with eyes" or "memories and pictures" – not because I need it,  but because discarding the item was out of the question, I was off the hook. Sometimes, I felt totally incapable of making any decisions. I wanted to fast forward the clock, or just fold myself into child's pose without moving for the next 14 days. But instead I lifted my head, got to my feet, and kept going.

Trying hard to keep breathing, I kept on packing my stuff. Deciding, thinking, keeping, jumping, throwing away. Laughing about an old postcard from my cousin, crying over a photo from my childhood, thinking about what my friends could need or what they would like to get, sitting on my balcony and watching the sky full of stars, taking a deep breath and storing memories in my heart. Sorting out stuff was a process of clearing myself from the inside out. Every single box helped me say goodbye, farewell. Maybe it's not the leaving that is so hard, it's the letting go. Getting focused on the moment and not thinking too much about the momentous event that starts in two weeks. Every movement and every small decision I made felt like getting closer to this moment and I realize that it doesn't really matter what stuff I keep or in which box I'm putting it. Finally, filling boxes didn't feel like work or stress anymore. 


My flat is becoming emptier and emptier, my soul is becoming lighter and brighter because I start to feel the movement inside. The adventure starts in two weeks, but somehow it has already started. I am sitting between boxes, letting my emotions flow and starting to realize that this too is a moment to enjoy, and this exactly is the place I have to be.

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